I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional.
I miss God.
I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session.
This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God.
God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his.
I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he was supposed to do and that was protect me. On those nights, I did not feel protected.
I felt hollow.
I felt alone.
I felt abandoned.
I felt disappointed in myself.
I felt helpless.
I didn't feel what I thought was supposed to feel. I didn't feel like God cared. But he did. He wanted to comfort me. He wants to help me to not feel alone, abandoned, or helpless. He wants to be all of these things for me. He just wants me to let him do it.
I guess all this to say, that I miss my relationship with God and the closeness that we used to have. I hope to one day get back to the good old days. Maybe even grow more.
I still don't know why in the hell he still cares. But I'm glad he does.