Tuesday, August 7, 2012

If you just realize what I just realized...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional.

I miss God.

I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session.

This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God.

God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his.

I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he was supposed to do and that was protect me. On those nights, I did not feel protected.

I felt hollow.

I felt alone.

I felt abandoned.

I felt disappointed in myself.

I felt helpless.

I didn't feel what I thought was supposed to feel. I didn't feel like God cared. But he did. He wanted to comfort me. He wants to help me to not feel alone, abandoned, or helpless. He wants to be all of these things for me. He just wants me to let him do it.

I guess all this to say, that I miss my relationship with God and the closeness that we used to have. I hope to one day get back to the good old days. Maybe even grow more.

I still don't know why in the hell he still cares. But I'm glad he does.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

You know what? Today is a new day...

...and I'm going to act like it.

I have a tendency to linger in past mistakes, decisions, and memories way too long. You might be able to relate. I analyze and dissect situations until I think everything is worked out. It is part of what makes me a good leader and sometimes frustrates those of the less patient persuasion. I have been like that all my life. Never wanting to make a mistake but when I do, beating myself up for not taking more time or not doing enough research or not talking to God enough. But you know what?

I am tired of it.

I don't want to linger in the past. I don't want to make sure that everything is handled before I step out there. I want to trust that God is going to let me in on the secret when I am good and ready. I know that I have a rough past few years that I need to deal with and talk about, but I also need to keep in mind that I have a wonderful future ahead of me. I know it's not the one I planned but I am just going to have to get used to it.

Today is a new day. With new possibilities. I'm going to enjoy it.