Friday, July 27, 2012

"I know this from somewhere..."

It is so weird to have an association with a place that you would never think you would have. Today, I went to San Jose to pick up a couch for mi madre with a lovely, fabulous, and downright awesome friend and we had to travel through the country to get to the I-5. At about halfway down this road, crossing over canals and passing dairies and almond orchards, I realized that I was smiling and surprisingly in a familiar state of mind. I felt comfortable and I loved it. When I realized this feeling, I tried to figure out why.

This was the road that we normally took to go fishing in the canal with my dad, grandpa, grandma, and sister.

Our family fished all the time. I used to love to string the worm on the hook or wrap the chicken livers with a string to the hook or watch as my grandma caught more fish than all of us while she was sleeping with her little bell attached to the end of her pole. It was awesome to relive some of those memories.

It made me miss those people and trips in my life. Not in the "break down and do the ugly cry" way but in the tender "I wish these still happened" kind of way. I think that I have gotten so busy that I forget that these things even happened and that they shaped me to be the wonderful person I am today. Haha.

I hope that there are many more fun associations like this in my future.

Peace and Love,

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Time of rest or boredom? Depends on the day.

I am supposed to be having this great time of rest with my family. You know, reconnecting, having conversations that we haven't been able to have because of the distance, and just flat out being a family. But it has been such a struggle.

I am a person that needs to be doing something all the time. Have a purpose. Feel like a productive member of society...not a bum who is living with my mother.

I know that I am helping my mom out while she is recovering from surgery but that only confirmed the fact that I could never be a stay-at-home mom.

All my friends are 1.5 hours away so I don't see them as much as I want.

I don't have a job so there is not a money flow going. I was just so used to the lavish RD lifestyle. Lol.

My sister lives 1.5 hours away so I don't see her or the chirrens as much as I want.

So, as I was wallowing at my own little pity party that no one came to and I had to buy everything myself (haha), I realized that I have the wrong perception of the situation. I have been looking at what being in Cali could be doing for me. What I need to do is to see how I can impact Cali in anyway that I can. If that means that I need to straighten up my attitude, then let's do it. If it means that I find a church, where are the yellow pages (you remember those, right? Big-ass yellow books that they used to put on your doorstep that were always outdated by the time you got them. Yeah, you used to live by them before we got all technological.)? If it means me volunteering for something, boom, there I am.

Something has to change. It's not going to be the people around me. It needs to start with me.

Lead me in a way that will be fulfilling and life-giving. Show me the ways in which I can allow you to work in me and through me. Teach me how to impact whatever situation I am in. Give me guidance for this season and the next so that I can praise you in everything that I do. I love you and thank you for loving me unconditionally in return. Give dad, grandpa, and grandma a huge hug and kiss for me!

Your Little Girl