A couple nights ago, I could not get to sleep for the life of me. And when I did, it was not restful, at all. But, it is unbelievable how grateful I am for that night.
During the hours that I was actually able to sleep, I had an interesting dream. I normally do not look too much into my dreams because they are usually pretty crazy, but I just could not ignore this one. It stuck out to me for a reason, right? Well, here we go.
I was apparently in a game or something like that where I had to complete challenges to get to the next level. As, I was doing each challenge, I noticed that I could not see the end, at all. I kept going anyway. I can only remember one challenge that I had to do. Well, I get to this room and there are rows of vegetables and an old man that is sitting at a pond fishing out these huge fish. I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing so I start pulling up the vegetables and the old man looks over at me and says, "I need to do this challenge for you." I stop pulling the vegetables. I feel useless. I go and sit by the man and we talk as he is keeps fishing. I am waiting. And waiting. And waiting. He finally tells me that he is done and the challenge is finished. I get up and so does he. I go to give him a hug and he just holds me like we have been friends forever. I start to bawl like a baby. He just keeps reassuring me that it is going to be ok. That I am going to be fine. That he took care of it.
I couldn't help but think about its possible meaning. So, I talked to a very wise person about this dream and he said that it is very possible that it could be referring to me going to California for a while. I have have always been a person that has a hard time giving up control to other people. Part of it is that I don't want to burden people and the probably truer reason is that I want things done in the way that I want them done. I think God has been challenging me to give the illusion of control of my life over to him.
It has been a hard journey because I still have a problem trusting in God's power and love. It's not easy when you feel like he took some people that were more than precious to you.
They were your foundation.
They gave you a reason to always strive for more.
They gave you hope that you were doing things right.
I believe that the dream was so much more than a dream. It was God telling me that he can handle it so much better than I can. That I can just sit back, relax, and start this journey to healing with me handing over the reins.
So, here's to not being in control.