Thursday, April 19, 2012

I love you, God.



Crying sucks.

It makes your head pound, eyes all puffy, and there is so much fluid coming out of everywhere you don't know what to do. Oh, and don't forget the thing that you are crying about. That is like a whole other league of symptoms that attack your heart so viciously that all you can do is fall to your knees and beg God for comfort. He is usually pretty good about giving it.

But what happens when there is no comfort?

When there are just questions without answers. Falling asleep still crying instead of with a smile. Wishing that your dreams will bring some sort of closure or comfort. 

What happens then? Is God still there? 

Sometimes, I have a hard time believing he still is. Sometimes, I don't "feel" his presence. Sometimes, I feel utterly alone. I know that as a long time Christian, God is always there with us. Guiding and helping us through whatever we are leaning on him for. But it is hard. I want that physical comfort to come and it feels just out of my reach. That if I just believed a little harder that I could grasp on to it and never let go. 

I know that God and I have had a rough relationship (well, ok, I have created a rough relationship with God) but I know that he loves me and has never wanted me to go through this pain. He doesn't want to see me cry. He wants to hold me and tell me that it is going to be ok. You know, all those fatherly things. Maybe I should start letting him.

I love you, God. 

Thanks for loving me, too.

Oh, and can you tell my dad that I love and miss him. A lot. Thanks.