Friday, March 16, 2012

More than an awesome exterior.

I don't know what it is about this week that makes me think of my dad so much. It just seems to be a theme for me lately. Maybe it's because of his birthday coming soon. Maybe I just haven't talked about him an a long time. I just miss him so much. It's pretty strong this time. I kind of broke down a few nights ago just thinking about him. I miss everything about him.

I sometimes forget that I am the only one that is like me in my family now. When I went home, I was able to find an outlet for my nerdiness because my dad was the same way. I was able to talk about politics, current events, theology, and life. I know that I have that now with all my friends and colleagues. But I long for that in my family. I want to feel accepted fully in my family rather than be looked at as a work-in-progress. I feel like I am more myself than I have ever been and I want that to be celebrated.

I miss being celebrated.

I miss being understood when I go home.

I don't need much. I just want them to listen to me and love me for who I am: A broken, loving, compassionate, inconsiderate, driven, selfish, accomplished, passionate about higher education, okay being single, lover of laughter, constantly in need of God's love, scared for the future, scared of the past, verbal processing, God fearing, GLBT loving, obsessed with Big Bang Theory, always reading, always learning, family and friend loving, Facebook, twitter, and Apple loving, always on the go, outspoken, saved by grace, woman of God.

I love my mom and sister dearly but there is so much more to me than they know and that makes me sad. I guess we are just starting to rebuild our broken relationships. Time will tell when they are able to accept all of me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

3:30am Ramblings

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others.

I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life?

That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as though God was completely present and at the same time he was miles away. He loved me so deeply and was disappointed in me. I never knew where I was going to be in my relationship with God. Most of the time, I still don't. But I think that is the beauty of the relationship between God and me.

He's ok with me....being me.

He knows that I love him with my full heart. He knows that everything I do is in gratitude to him. He knows that I need time to come to grips with reality. To come to grips with my family being different. To come to grips with the pain. To come to grips with the feelings of abandonment. To come to grips with the idea of a new paradigm.

To come to grips with my dad, grandpa, and grandma being gone.

The reassuring thing is that it will get there. Not any time soon but it will get there.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Not ready...

I thought I could do it. I thought I could talk about the people that mean the most to me and reminisce about the love that they shared with me. I thought I could relive those memories and be ok. I thought I could do it and not think about it for the rest of the day.

Well, I can't. At least not right now.

I don't feel like I am at the point where I am ready to let that all out so quickly. I hadn't thought about some of that stuff in years. It would bring me to tears but would do more harm than good.

So, I have decided to hold off on the memory recording for the sake of my own emotional being. It will get there. Just not right now.