Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Silence...It's Deafening.

I am not even sure that title makes any sense except to me.

I have been in California for 5 months now. I have not had anything to do other than to help out my mom and my sister. I am trying to get a job to make some money while I am out here. I picked up crocheting and baking again. I’m trying to push myself on the bike. The other day, I went 4 miles roundtrip. I know that is not a lot, but it is a start. I have been trying to fill the days with something. Anything to break the silence.

Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like silence. When I am cooking, I turn on the music. When I was in school, I had two or three movies that I would play while I was doing homework. Even while I am typing this I am listening to music so that I can focus. At least, that is what I tell myself.

I am not so sure anymore. At some point, I have to deal with the silence. I have to approach the things that are going on in my head and the situations that have shaped who I am right now. The older I get, I seem to have more opportunities to reflect on these past situations and my reactions. Those that know me are also probably not surprised to hear that I tend to internalize and then intellectualize what I am feeling during a crisis of my mind. It is not until I have completely thought it out and analyzed every possible outcome will I talk to someone about it.

Even God.

I always decide to take it upon myself to make sure to examine everything before I present it to anyone. It is not fair to God. 

My creator. 

The author of love. 

My biggest fan. 

The one being that I am supposed to be able to confide in and trust throughout the entire “crisis." Throughout my life. He knows me better than I even know myself. He is there with me the nights that it is all too much to bear and I cry myself to sleep. He hears my frustrations with my situation and the world around me. He notices when I have a revelation of how much he loves me. He cares when I feel completely and utterly alone. He loves me even when I do not care for him at whatever selfish moment I am having. 

All I should be doing with my life is living in continual love of my God and his people. To me, that requires giving fully who I am to God. Especially when it means he wants me to give him the good and the bad.

The conclusion that I have come to is this silence is a gift from God. It is a wake up call to me. God is giving me another huge opportunity to completely and fully rely on him. It is all or nothing. No more lukewarmness here. I don’t know what this season of my life is going to hold but I am not waiting on my incessant need to know what is going on to stop me from a constant pursuit of the life-giving, challenging, affectionate, truth revealing love of God. 

Here we go!

Peace and Love,

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Secret ballot is an awesome thing.

You know, one of the beauties of democracy is the secret ballot. You can hear and read all of the ads, articles, radio shows, and sermons but once you step into the booth or check the box, it is all you. You have to make a choice between two people who are qualified to run the country but have different approaches. No one is putting a gun to your head or threatening your family or watching you in the ballot box to make sure you vote the right way.

We may not have those extreme examples but we do have some people in powerful and persuasive positions that, I think, should not use their power to affect the vote of the people that follow them. This is America. The land of the free. Home of the brave. Why wouldn't people who are in positions of power either keep out of it or show both sides of the coin?

My campus pastor in college did a wonderful demonstration in our chapel one day right before Election Day. He did the pros and cons of each candidate and then urged us to research even more to make up our own minds. That is what the church should be doing. It annoys the hell out of me when pastors say who they are going to vote for or who their congregation should vote for. It takes away the right and privilege that we have as Americans to choose our leaders. So, pastors, please don't endorse from the pulpit. It's not very American.

With all of that aside, please go vote. It is a privilege that not everyone in the world has.

Women, a hundred years ago, we were still fighting to be able to vote.

People of color, we were still fighting to vote in the 60s.

Voting is an important privilege that we get to exercise. No matter who you are or what you believe, you have an obligation to the people that fought for your right to express your beliefs to vote for the country that you want to leave for your children. Take pride in your country and vote.


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Singleness. I love it. No, seriously.

This is a random topic for me because I do not often talk about it but today is different for some reason. I think it has a lot to do with certain people interrogating me about dating habits or giving me unwarranted advice or "introducing" me to someone. It's hard not to think about it.

I know that I do not have much knowledge or experience the relationship department but I think that I have become somewhat of a promoter of being single. Like if singleness had a PR position open, I would apply for it. 

I enjoy being single. I enjoy the freedom that I have. I love going and coming whenever I want. I have accomplished so many things and have had so many great experiences that I would never want to take back.  I think being single in my 20s is a wonderful decision that I made. That's all. No buts. I just love it. It's when the relationship part becomes a possible reality that has me frazzled sometimes.

I have had many examples of wonderful marriages/relationships that are Chris-centered, loving, and genuinely fun. Everyone knows those couples that you do not mind being around. You actually like hanging out with the two of them because it never feels awkward. I love those marriages/relationships. 

They are wonderful. 

They are inspiring. 

They are a gift from God.


I have been thinking about that. I have many examples of relationships that I would never want to have. Sometimes I think that subconsciously I would rather omit the whole idea of being in a relationship to avoid having a bad one. It is easy for me because relationships have never been a huge thing for me. You could say that it was my dad's fault. He always said that I was not allowed to date until I was done with my schooling. It was never really my thing. 

School. Sports. Church. Ministries. Singing. Family. Friends. Reading. 

Those were my things. That is what I spent my time doing. When other girls were going on dates, I was perfectly pacified sitting at home reading a book or having a rousing discussion about politics/current affairs/theology/education with my dad. I obviously had my crushes but nothing so big that I was going to pursue anything. I didn't feel that I needed to. I had a wonderful father and grandpa in my life that told me every chance they could that they loved me and how beautiful I am. I felt loved so much at home that I didn't need to search for it other places. Thus was born my independence. 

Independence. Freedom. Making your own decisions. Loving what you are doing. Loving who you are in Christ. That's the thing, though. Loving Christ is a commitment that stretches me on a daily basis and with which I will never be perfect. 

But it is a commitment that I love the most in my life. 

It is the one that gives me wholeness. It gives me clarity (well, most of the time, haha). It gives me peace. It gives me understanding. It gives me faith. Faith in Christ, that he knows what he is doing. That he knows who to put in my life. That he knows me well enough to put things in my path that will bring me closer to him.

I'm not one of those ladies who will say that I don't need men because Jesus is my boyfriend, but being in a relationship with Christ that will fulfill all those things that I have been longing/hoping/wishing/pleading for fills me with joy and excitement (and to be perfectly honest, a little hesitation). This is the commitment that I need to strengthen. It is the one with which I need to continually work. It is the one that scares me the most but it is one that I would never want to do without. Who knows, maybe one day I won't be so weirded out by the word "girlfriend."

Peace and Love,

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I coulda.....well, maybe if I woulda.....

I completely understand how ridiculous and crazy and wrong this is going to sound.

I could have done something. Anything.

I could have stopped my dad from dying in some way. Given him my kidney. Been there more often. Been a better daughter. Something!

I feel like every time I think about my dad, I have this huge burden of guilt that I have been carrying this whole time.

It's not totally unnecessary guilt. I wasn't there when he died. I was off being a good student leader and helping out with a choir retreat. As always, I put work before my family. The one time that it mattered the most for me to be there.

I just wasn't.

These feelings seem to keep getting stronger. It will be 6 years in January.

It's supposed to get easier, right?

I know that I have expressed this before but I miss being special. You know, that feeling that only a dad can give his daughter? The one that says no matter what you do or who you become, you will always be his little girl. The one that gives you the confidence to do anything and supports you in everything. I miss that. A lot. And even more recently.

I know that I talk about it a lot. It's just that this is something that is looming over my head and I haven't been able to get over it or get past it or deal with it or accept it. I can't get it out of my head.

I will never forget my last moment with my dad. It will be forever mine. It's what keeps me going sometimes. And sometimes, it just isn't enough.

I don't know how God is going to sort through this one.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

If you just realize what I just realized...

I am not sure how to put into words what is brewing in my mind. It's not that it is something that is hard for me to understand or even that it is extremely emotional.

I miss God.

I miss him being the whole reason that I live. I miss him being in control of my life. I miss turning to him when I have a need, question, or talking session.

This isn't a night where I am sitting on my bed crying because I miss my loved ones. It's a night of realization that I have been neglecting the most important person in my life. I have been allowing myself to blame and mistrust God.

God took away MY dad and MY grandpa and MY grandma. I felt abandoned and that God stole something from me even though they were not mine to begin with. They were always, and still are, completely his.

I have created this barrier between us because I have felt hurt and alone for a long time and it was all God's fault. I thought God had to prove to me that he was trustworthy. That he could do what he was supposed to do and that was protect me. On those nights, I did not feel protected.

I felt hollow.

I felt alone.

I felt abandoned.

I felt disappointed in myself.

I felt helpless.

I didn't feel what I thought was supposed to feel. I didn't feel like God cared. But he did. He wanted to comfort me. He wants to help me to not feel alone, abandoned, or helpless. He wants to be all of these things for me. He just wants me to let him do it.

I guess all this to say, that I miss my relationship with God and the closeness that we used to have. I hope to one day get back to the good old days. Maybe even grow more.

I still don't know why in the hell he still cares. But I'm glad he does.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

You know what? Today is a new day...

...and I'm going to act like it.

I have a tendency to linger in past mistakes, decisions, and memories way too long. You might be able to relate. I analyze and dissect situations until I think everything is worked out. It is part of what makes me a good leader and sometimes frustrates those of the less patient persuasion. I have been like that all my life. Never wanting to make a mistake but when I do, beating myself up for not taking more time or not doing enough research or not talking to God enough. But you know what?

I am tired of it.

I don't want to linger in the past. I don't want to make sure that everything is handled before I step out there. I want to trust that God is going to let me in on the secret when I am good and ready. I know that I have a rough past few years that I need to deal with and talk about, but I also need to keep in mind that I have a wonderful future ahead of me. I know it's not the one I planned but I am just going to have to get used to it.

Today is a new day. With new possibilities. I'm going to enjoy it.


Friday, July 27, 2012

"I know this from somewhere..."

It is so weird to have an association with a place that you would never think you would have. Today, I went to San Jose to pick up a couch for mi madre with a lovely, fabulous, and downright awesome friend and we had to travel through the country to get to the I-5. At about halfway down this road, crossing over canals and passing dairies and almond orchards, I realized that I was smiling and surprisingly in a familiar state of mind. I felt comfortable and I loved it. When I realized this feeling, I tried to figure out why.

This was the road that we normally took to go fishing in the canal with my dad, grandpa, grandma, and sister.

Our family fished all the time. I used to love to string the worm on the hook or wrap the chicken livers with a string to the hook or watch as my grandma caught more fish than all of us while she was sleeping with her little bell attached to the end of her pole. It was awesome to relive some of those memories.

It made me miss those people and trips in my life. Not in the "break down and do the ugly cry" way but in the tender "I wish these still happened" kind of way. I think that I have gotten so busy that I forget that these things even happened and that they shaped me to be the wonderful person I am today. Haha.

I hope that there are many more fun associations like this in my future.

Peace and Love,

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Time of rest or boredom? Depends on the day.

I am supposed to be having this great time of rest with my family. You know, reconnecting, having conversations that we haven't been able to have because of the distance, and just flat out being a family. But it has been such a struggle.

I am a person that needs to be doing something all the time. Have a purpose. Feel like a productive member of society...not a bum who is living with my mother.

I know that I am helping my mom out while she is recovering from surgery but that only confirmed the fact that I could never be a stay-at-home mom.

All my friends are 1.5 hours away so I don't see them as much as I want.

I don't have a job so there is not a money flow going. I was just so used to the lavish RD lifestyle. Lol.

My sister lives 1.5 hours away so I don't see her or the chirrens as much as I want.

So, as I was wallowing at my own little pity party that no one came to and I had to buy everything myself (haha), I realized that I have the wrong perception of the situation. I have been looking at what being in Cali could be doing for me. What I need to do is to see how I can impact Cali in anyway that I can. If that means that I need to straighten up my attitude, then let's do it. If it means that I find a church, where are the yellow pages (you remember those, right? Big-ass yellow books that they used to put on your doorstep that were always outdated by the time you got them. Yeah, you used to live by them before we got all technological.)? If it means me volunteering for something, boom, there I am.

Something has to change. It's not going to be the people around me. It needs to start with me.

Lead me in a way that will be fulfilling and life-giving. Show me the ways in which I can allow you to work in me and through me. Teach me how to impact whatever situation I am in. Give me guidance for this season and the next so that I can praise you in everything that I do. I love you and thank you for loving me unconditionally in return. Give dad, grandpa, and grandma a huge hug and kiss for me!

Your Little Girl

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Thank You, Fisherman.

A couple nights ago, I could not get to sleep for the life of me. And when I did, it was not restful, at all. But, it is unbelievable how grateful I am for that night.

During the hours that I was actually able to sleep, I had an interesting dream. I normally do not look too much into my dreams because they are usually pretty crazy, but I just could not ignore this one. It stuck out to me for a reason, right? Well, here we go.

I was apparently in a game or something like that where I had to complete challenges to get to the next level. As, I was doing each challenge, I noticed that I could not see the end, at all. I kept going anyway. I can only remember one challenge that I had to do. Well, I get to this room and there are rows of vegetables and an old man that is sitting at a pond fishing out these huge fish. I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing so I start pulling up the vegetables and the old man looks over at me and says, "I need to do this challenge for you." I stop pulling the vegetables. I feel useless. I go and sit by the man and we talk as he is keeps fishing. I am waiting. And waiting. And waiting. He finally tells me that he is done and the challenge is finished. I get up and so does he. I go to give him a hug and he just holds me like we have been friends forever. I start to bawl like a baby. He just keeps reassuring me that it is going to be ok. That I am going to be fine. That he took care of it.

I couldn't help but think about its possible meaning. So, I talked to a very wise person about this dream and he said that it is very possible that it could be referring to me going to California for a while. I have have always been a person that has a hard time giving up control to other people. Part of it is that I don't want to burden people and the probably truer reason is that I want things done in the way that I want them done. I think God has been challenging me to give the illusion of control of my life over to him.

It has been a hard journey because I still have a problem trusting in God's power and love. It's not easy when you feel like he took some people that were more than precious to you.

They were your foundation.

They gave you a reason to always strive for more.

They gave you hope that you were doing things right.

I believe that the dream was so much more than a dream. It was God telling me that he can handle it so much better than I can. That I can just sit back, relax, and start this journey to healing with me handing over the reins.

So, here's to not being in control.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I love you, God.



Crying sucks.

It makes your head pound, eyes all puffy, and there is so much fluid coming out of everywhere you don't know what to do. Oh, and don't forget the thing that you are crying about. That is like a whole other league of symptoms that attack your heart so viciously that all you can do is fall to your knees and beg God for comfort. He is usually pretty good about giving it.

But what happens when there is no comfort?

When there are just questions without answers. Falling asleep still crying instead of with a smile. Wishing that your dreams will bring some sort of closure or comfort. 

What happens then? Is God still there? 

Sometimes, I have a hard time believing he still is. Sometimes, I don't "feel" his presence. Sometimes, I feel utterly alone. I know that as a long time Christian, God is always there with us. Guiding and helping us through whatever we are leaning on him for. But it is hard. I want that physical comfort to come and it feels just out of my reach. That if I just believed a little harder that I could grasp on to it and never let go. 

I know that God and I have had a rough relationship (well, ok, I have created a rough relationship with God) but I know that he loves me and has never wanted me to go through this pain. He doesn't want to see me cry. He wants to hold me and tell me that it is going to be ok. You know, all those fatherly things. Maybe I should start letting him.

I love you, God. 

Thanks for loving me, too.

Oh, and can you tell my dad that I love and miss him. A lot. Thanks.

Friday, March 16, 2012

More than an awesome exterior.

I don't know what it is about this week that makes me think of my dad so much. It just seems to be a theme for me lately. Maybe it's because of his birthday coming soon. Maybe I just haven't talked about him an a long time. I just miss him so much. It's pretty strong this time. I kind of broke down a few nights ago just thinking about him. I miss everything about him.

I sometimes forget that I am the only one that is like me in my family now. When I went home, I was able to find an outlet for my nerdiness because my dad was the same way. I was able to talk about politics, current events, theology, and life. I know that I have that now with all my friends and colleagues. But I long for that in my family. I want to feel accepted fully in my family rather than be looked at as a work-in-progress. I feel like I am more myself than I have ever been and I want that to be celebrated.

I miss being celebrated.

I miss being understood when I go home.

I don't need much. I just want them to listen to me and love me for who I am: A broken, loving, compassionate, inconsiderate, driven, selfish, accomplished, passionate about higher education, okay being single, lover of laughter, constantly in need of God's love, scared for the future, scared of the past, verbal processing, God fearing, GLBT loving, obsessed with Big Bang Theory, always reading, always learning, family and friend loving, Facebook, twitter, and Apple loving, always on the go, outspoken, saved by grace, woman of God.

I love my mom and sister dearly but there is so much more to me than they know and that makes me sad. I guess we are just starting to rebuild our broken relationships. Time will tell when they are able to accept all of me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

3:30am Ramblings

I hate having the times where you just need a hug and no one is there to help you with that. So, you sit there and dwell on it instead of thinking about and moving on. I am telling you that it does get easier. Right after my dad died, I was not able to speak his name without bursting into tears. I do a lot better now. I don't always break down. But, some times are harder than others.

I was watching a show and one of the characters was trying to find their dad. This definitely got to me. I started to relive how important my dad was to me and how much I want him back in my life. I have had many times where I have been going through something and all I want to do is to talk to my dad about it. The one person that I want to talk to is out of reach. I am glad that he is in a better place and that he has no more pain but where does that leave me? When can I live without this pain in my life?

That was a question I asked often and still ask occasionally. For the longest time, I felt as though God was completely present and at the same time he was miles away. He loved me so deeply and was disappointed in me. I never knew where I was going to be in my relationship with God. Most of the time, I still don't. But I think that is the beauty of the relationship between God and me.

He's ok with me....being me.

He knows that I love him with my full heart. He knows that everything I do is in gratitude to him. He knows that I need time to come to grips with reality. To come to grips with my family being different. To come to grips with the pain. To come to grips with the feelings of abandonment. To come to grips with the idea of a new paradigm.

To come to grips with my dad, grandpa, and grandma being gone.

The reassuring thing is that it will get there. Not any time soon but it will get there.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Not ready...

I thought I could do it. I thought I could talk about the people that mean the most to me and reminisce about the love that they shared with me. I thought I could relive those memories and be ok. I thought I could do it and not think about it for the rest of the day.

Well, I can't. At least not right now.

I don't feel like I am at the point where I am ready to let that all out so quickly. I hadn't thought about some of that stuff in years. It would bring me to tears but would do more harm than good.

So, I have decided to hold off on the memory recording for the sake of my own emotional being. It will get there. Just not right now.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Roberta 2.0

I am part of the Randolph dynasty that is known in the Turlock, CA area. Well, in some circles. My grandparents were very involved in different ministries and had lots of "family" around town. I went to a thrift store where my grandma helped out all the time because they had some really cool stuff. It was right next to the post office. So, every time we went to the post office, my sister and I would beg my dad to take us into the store so that we could spend whatever little money we had. I loved the store because it was in an old house and you could go anywhere and find all kinds of trinkets and treasures. My grandma was not there but we went in just to look around. A woman comes up to me and asks, "Are you Roberta Randolph's granddaugher?" I said, "Yes, ma'am." She said, "I thought so. You look so much like her. You are a very beautiful young lady. Your grandmother is a wonderful woman." I said, "She is the best grandma! I hope to be just like her one day."

My grandma was an amazing woman. She taught me so much about how to be a woman of God and I thank her every day for all that she has taught me. She was never one to tell me that I needed to get married but always wanted what was best for me. I miss her so much. I hope to be half the woman she was. If I am at least that, I will be in great shape. Love you, Grandma.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Get Me A Sandwich!

This is going to be a short one but it makes me laugh.

My dad was an amazing guy. I loved him so much. He taught me so much but one of the things that I did not enjoy was when he would ask us to get him something. Whenever we got up or even if we were not getting up, he would ask us to make him a sandwich or get the remote or get him something to drink. 

It was awful. Well, as awful as it gets when children do not want to do something for their parents.

My sister and I would try to not even go to the bathroom so that we could avoid getting him something from the kitchen. It was so ridiculous. We were such pains. My dad was sick and most of the time he would just need us to get him a PB&J sandwich to help with his sugar levels but we didn't care. We were just lazy and did not want to do it. It is funny how now, I would do anything to have the opportunity to get him a PB&J again.

Friday, February 24, 2012


My family is a very musical family and my dad was no different. He used to sing in a quartet. My grandpa was a beautiful tenor. And I can hold a note or two. My dad was the pastor of a very small church. You know, the kind of church where the pastor's family did everything. Well, that meant that we were in charge of the music, too. I would sing, my dad would play the guitar, and my sister would play the piano. My dad was notorious for letting me know the morning of service what we were going to sing. This particular morning was special. We were celebrating the anniversary of another pastor's ministry. I was sitting in the pew just chillin'. My dad looks at me and motions that he wants me up there with him. So, I go up there and stand by him and he whispers in my ear "let's sing Heaven Came Down." I said yes because he was my dad but I was a little intimidated. There were a lot of people there.

We sang.

We sounded so good together.

I miss us singing. I miss hearing his voice. I miss everything about him. Even his laziness. I would love to go make him a sandwich right now. I know that sounds random and kind of stupid but I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant that I got to see him. I loved him dearly. Can't wait to see him again.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

My First Fish

Here is a memory that will always be in my heart. My family was big on fishing. My grandparents loved it. My parents loved it. My cousins loved it. I loved it. My grandpa had a worm bed that he was so proud of. Our favorite part of fishing was when we got to go out and get the worms. We got to find the biggest and juiciest and put them in our little Tupperware to carry with us to the canal.

It was my first time that I would actually fish on my own. I had my own little pole that was pink or something hotly like that. My grandpa showed me how string the worm onto the hook so that it will stay there. It was gross at first but you get used to it. So, I get the worm on there and cast my line. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Finally my pole started to shake! I got so excited!

My grandpa talked me through what to do. He kept telling me that can't just reel them in right away. I had to do a little give and take so they are tired out and will fight less. (I am pretty sure I remember hearing a joke pertaining to it being like trying to get a woman but it escapes me who said it. My guess would have been my cousin Al) I start in on my war with the fish. After about 5 minutes of this tug of war with the fish, I can finally see it! So, I reel him up to us and he is a smaller fish but I was still so proud! He was a 6 inch long catfish and I decided to call him Fred. My grandparents and dad were so excited for me! It was a great day and even better night. Fred was on the menu that night. And he tasted good.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I Love Lent

You have to love the Lenten season. It's about sacrifice and reflecting on our own lives and how we have put things that we shouldn't before our relationship with God. We reflect on the strength that Jesus had and how we can translate that to our own lives. I have been thinking about what I am going to give up for Lent and it has stumped me. I want to give up hitting the snooze button but I want it to be so much more than that. I want to make my mornings a better place for me. I want to get up and accomplish something rather than just trying to get 10 more minutes of sleep. So, what am I going to do?

Yep. I am going to blog in the mornings.

I am going to blog every morning for 40 days. I am going to talk about one memory that I have of my dad, grandpa, or grandma. I have so many wonderful memories that need to be shared. Life lessons. I want to share that with you all as well as write them down so that I can actually remember them. I was very fortunate to have such great role models in my life and I want to share that wisdom with everyone. Also, a lot of my stories are just going to be flat out funny and have no wisdom. Just awesomeness.

I am also going to shut my tv off at 11. I have realized that I watch way too much tv. It's only because it is there. So ridiculous. It is consuming way too much of my time and I need to start going to bed earlier and I know that shutting off my tv will definitely help.

I know that this is a lot for me so I would ask that you all keep praying for me to keep up with all of this. I know that I will need every prayer I can get. Feel free to ask me about these things. 

Here is my memory for today:
My dad was always a really heavy sleeper but when you woke him up he would be very much alive. He was taking a nap one day and I needed to talk to him. One thing you need to know about my dad is that he was in the Air Force for about 10 years. He had a group of friends who would mess with each other all the time. Well, during this time he had developed an automatic response for when he was woken up. He would swing. And when I went to wake him up, he did swing. Luckily, I have cat-like reflexes and dodged out of the way before he could hit me. It was a scary moment in my life. Hilarious afterward but still scary. There's my story for today.

Peace and Love.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Focus On The Mountain

I know that I talked about choosing a template in my last post but I just had to come back to it because there was something else that interested me about the picture. If you look at it, you can see that there is a mountain in the background but the picture is focused on the rain.

Ain't that the truth.

I feel like sometimes I am too focused on the rain that I cannot see the wonderful mountain that is in the background. I know that rain is good for the earth. It helps things grow and brings renewal. It can also bring destruction. Maybe that is why I am so cognizant of the rain. I know that it can hurt and destroy. I know that it comes when you least expect it. I know that it always shows up when you don't want it.

Hm...maybe I need to change my perspective. If I were to look at the rain as a blessing rather than an inconvenience I would probably love it a lot more. Rain is great when you have the right equipment. You know, umbrellas, raincoat, rain boots, ability to stay inside until the rain stops. It can be real cozy when you are inside with a cup of coffee or awesome when you find some mud to slip around in.

I guess it is always about your perspective. Maybe someday I will be able to focus on the beautiful mountain and not just the rain.

Peace and Love.

Monday, February 20, 2012

It was the rain...

You know, I was looking at the different templates for the blogs. I went through all of them but I kept coming back to one. 

It was the rain.

I don't know why I was drawn to it so much but it really spoke to me. I guess I could say that it is kind of what I am going through right now. I am in a huge transition in my life. I don't know what is going to be happening and I am ok with that. I am finally able to feel as though I am beginning to give control to God. It has been a hard journey up to this point and I am just tired of trying to do it on my own. Not that I was by myself, but that I thought I could do it on my own strength.

So dumb.

I can't do anything on my own strength. I need God. I need my family. I need my friends. I have been crawling in the rain for a long time. Trying to find shelter or an umbrella. I guess I am starting to realize that they have been there the whole time trying to save me from the rain. Hopefully, I will be strong enough to accept the umbrella.

Peace and Love.

The 5th Anniversary of My Dad's Death

So, this day has come around every year for the past 5 years. 5 years. Damn. 5 years ago, I was normal. 5 years ago, my family was complete. 5 years ago, I didn’t have trouble sleeping every night. 5 years ago, the wisdom, love, and laughter of my dad was still there. You know, you think that I would miss the major things about him. It is the little things that were normal to me that I miss so much. The fact that I would always have someone to answer car questions. Being called “Baby Girl.” Getting kissed on the hand. Saying, “Good night, daddy” knowing that I will hear, “Good night, sweetie.” The long talks about life that used to occur at 2am. There are a few things that I miss the most:
  • For those of you that know me well know that I like to laugh. Well, that is definitely a family trait. My dad had the best laugh. It was one of those deep belly laughs that made his whole belly shake. This is where I learned to laugh without inhibitions. To laugh as loud and hard as I could and not be ashamed. If only there was a chance to hear it again.
  • My dad had a love for people that was infectious. I learned how to love others unconditionally. No matter who they are or what they have done. It is more important to show the love of God to them than to judge them. I loved this about my dad. He just had the ability to make people feel at ease and love him right on the spot.
  • The thing that I probably miss the most is the feeling that I am ok being who I am. As I got older, our conversations became just that…conversations. Not lectures. I was able to become my own person and was praised for doing so. I was able to have my own opinion and that was ok. You see, my mom and sister are a lot alike in their ways of thinking ab5out and dealing different issues. I am most like my dad and it is hard to not have that connection anymore. To have that one person that you want in your corner just not there. This has been the hardest transition to deal with.
I have been so blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with a father who loved and was there for me. I have nothing but wonderful memories and life lessons to hold on to. Some could not even say that about the current relationship they have with their dad. Even though it is an awful and crippling feeling sometimes to know that I will not see him again in this life, I am honored for the opportunity to learn from him. The opportunity to be a part of his life. The opportunity to love him. It is such an interesting journey that I am on to continue to find healing from all of this and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me.

To my dad: I love you. I miss you so much. You have been such a wonderful influence on my life and who I am turning into. Thank you for all you have taught me. I love you.
Oh, and the 49ers almost went to the Super Bowl! Wait, was that you? Haha. Calm down people. I’m kidding.