I am not even sure that title makes any sense except to me.
I have been in California for 5 months now. I have not had anything to do other than to help out my mom and my sister. I am trying to get a job to make some money while I am out here. I picked up crocheting and baking again. I’m trying to push myself on the bike. The other day, I went 4 miles roundtrip. I know that is not a lot, but it is a start. I have been trying to fill the days with something. Anything to break the silence.
Anyone who knows me knows that I do not like silence. When I am cooking, I turn on the music. When I was in school, I had two or three movies that I would play while I was doing homework. Even while I am typing this I am listening to music so that I can focus. At least, that is what I tell myself.
I am not so sure anymore. At some point, I have to deal with the silence. I have to approach the things that are going on in my head and the situations that have shaped who I am right now. The older I get, I seem to have more opportunities to reflect on these past situations and my reactions. Those that know me are also probably not surprised to hear that I tend to internalize and then intellectualize what I am feeling during a crisis of my mind. It is not until I have completely thought it out and analyzed every possible outcome will I talk to someone about it.
I always decide to take it upon myself to make sure to examine everything before I present it to anyone. It is not fair to God.
The author of love.
My biggest fan.
The one being that I am supposed to be able to confide in and trust throughout the entire “crisis." Throughout my life. He knows me better than I even know myself. He is there with me the nights that it is all too much to bear and I cry myself to sleep. He hears my frustrations with my situation and the world around me. He notices when I have a revelation of how much he loves me. He cares when I feel completely and utterly alone. He loves me even when I do not care for him at whatever selfish moment I am having.
All I should be doing with my life is living in continual love of my God and his people. To me, that requires giving fully who I am to God. Especially when it means he wants me to give him the good and the bad.
The conclusion that I have come to is this silence is a gift from God. It is a wake up call to me. God is giving me another huge opportunity to completely and fully rely on him. It is all or nothing. No more lukewarmness here. I don’t know what this season of my life is going to hold but I am not waiting on my incessant need to know what is going on to stop me from a constant pursuit of the life-giving, challenging, affectionate, truth revealing love of God.
Here we go!
Peace and Love,